These days I have been thinking about the issues of confession as it relates to our messy relationships in life. Two verses of Scripture come to mind regarding this issue. In Matthew 18:15 Jesus tells us that if someone sins against you, go talk to that person for the sake of restoration and healing. In James 5:16 we are also instructed to confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, that we might find healing.
It is striking to me that, practically speaking, within the church, these commands are largely ignored. I think they are ignored for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that: a) confrontation is difficult and uncomfortable; b) there is a gross misunderstanding of what Scripture teaches about “judging” others; c) we all fear the exposure of our sin; and d) we lack a consistent ability to discern our own sin, a weakness fueled by a culture of blame-shifting. I’m sure there are other reasons as well.
But specifically related to the confession of our sins to one another, should we must the necessary courage to actually do what Scripture commands, what should these confession look like? Here is where I found some counsel from CJ Mahaney very helpful. Mahaney says:
When I have sinned against someone, a sincere confession is required. A confession that is sincere and pleasing to God will be specific and brief. I have learned to be suspicious of my confession if it’s general and lengthy. A sincere confession of sin should be specific (“I was arrogant and angry when I made that statement; will you please forgive me for sinning against you in this way?”) and brief (this shouldn’t take long). When I find myself adding an explanation to my confession, I’m not asking forgiveness but instead appealing for understanding.
If my so-called confession extends beyond a very specific (acknowledgement of sin) sentence or two, then I am most likely excusing my sin, and requesting understanding for my sin, rather than sincerely asking forgiveness because of my sin. So I have learned to be suspicious of any confession of sin that is lengthy. Genuine conviction of sin is evidenced by a sincere, specific, and brief confession of sin, without any reference to circumstances or the participation of anyone else. When I sin, I am responsible for my sin, and the cause of my sin is always within my heart and never lies outside my heart.
Often after I sin, and even after I confess my sin—most importantly to God to receive the forgiveness I need from him for my sin through the death of his Son for my many sins—I experience a conflict in my soul about the confessing, when necessary, to the appropriate individuals. And whenever there is this conflict in my soul about specifically confessing my sin, I am aware that pride is actively at work in my soul, opposing the confession and seeking to persuade me that it wouldn’t be wise or even necessary for me to confess. But I have learned to ignore this noise from my arrogant heart, and instead weaken this noise by specifically confessing my sin to the appropriate individual as quickly as possible.
When I do confess, first and foremost to God and then (where and when appropriate) to others, I want my confession to be sincere and specific. I want my confession to express genuine sorrow and gratefulness to God for the mercy I experience because of the substitutionary sacrifice of his Son for my sins on the cross.
And when I confess my sin to others and ask their forgiveness when I have sinned against them, I don’t want my confession to resemble the press conference of a high-profile athlete, characterized by evasive language and the refusal to be specific. Instead, I hope my confession of sin is the sincere and specific confession of one genuinely convicted of his sin, sorrowful about his sin, and amazed at the grace of God provided for the forgiveness of sin.
This is very helpful. For the full context of Mahaney’s comments you can read the entire post here.
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June 5, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Tim
I would in no way even pretend to be even close to C.J. Mahaney’s league or Tim Keller as far as their knowledge is concerned. Admittedly I probably need to do some more reading on this subject myself. I do have some thoughts of my own and I don’t speak “ex cathedra” but these are thoughts I have none the less. When we speak of community and accountability to each other some very vital information needs to be kept in mind. Observations I would direct at Mahaney/Keller and us are as follows: 1) The majority if not most people are not comfortable with sharing any and all information about themselves. 2) Some issues/circumstances frankly by there very nature are so sensitive they don’t need to be shared or know publicly, or “shouted from the rooftops” 3) When sharing at this level people need a non threatening environment/atmosphere to do so. Asking people to become or be totally transparent before all the world is very threatening for most people. Especially if they are dealing with past experiences that are just too painful to share openly. 4) People don’t need to feel like they are being coerced or manipulated to do so. – And yes whether we want to admit to this or not that kind of fellowship/depth of community, can at times, seem or be intrusive even highly intrusive. It is true that people may not be as receptive to this because they are dealing with sin in there own lives- I understand that, and what the anti-social nature of sin is. I get it. But even if they are not “in sin” we need to assure people that we are going to respect their boundaries and move at their rate. Some, not all, but some of our emphasis on community reminds me a little of the old Saturday Night Live skit in which Al Frankin would burst out on cue (In the most boistrous, loud, annoying voice) –“Hi I’m Al Frankin and you can Get to know me”. All well and good. But what if the majority of people are not ready to fully engage in this manner or at this level? Frankly they need the freedom to move at their on rate or pace. If they are not moving at the rate we would like, show some patience and allow the Holy Spirit to do His job and let Him bring them to that point that they are comfortable enough to engage with each other in community the way we would prefer. (The last time I checked the Holy Spirit always has and always will be able deal with people a lot better than any of us can anyway!) – Finally on this subject: When speaking about community and accountability we need to ask some very pointed questions to ourselves.
-Why do you want to know what you want to know about a certain person/church member? Is it really necessary that you know every thing taking place in the life of a particular member or group of people within the church? If you find out want you want to know or certain information about a person/s do you have a specific, strategic, ministry action plan in place to lend spiritual aid to that person/s? As an aside, and this is for vocational ministers- Do we think that Rick Warren, Steve Gaines etc. who pastor those mega churches with 10, 15, 20 thousand members, that they know all those people by name in these churches let alone all the subtle nuances and issues that are going on in their lives? Don’t kid yourself or insult my intelligence. They don’t know that! How do you reconcile the Hebrews 13 passage with this situation? (Some of those type of churches don’t have elders) Are those pastors going to be held directly accountable for 10, 15, 20 thousand people in those churches? But I digress- So again why do we want to know what we want to know about people? I realize that you can’t adequately minister unless/until you know what’s taking place in people’s lives- I understand that. But we still need to ask- why do we want to know what we want to know? Is it because we really want to lend aid and encouragement, spiritual direction or because we just want the latest piece of juicy gossip about said person or persons? (Do we want to help or do we want to know something that will engage or tantalize our carnality/flesh) Yes I’m getting at the issue of motives and I know that, that’s my point! And we would do well to ask ourselves these questions and evaluate our own hearts when evaluating/ sizing up people. Why do you want to know what you want to know about that person or persons not only in the church but in society in general? Is our passion for community within the body of Christ truly based on Matthew 18:15 James 5:16 or driven by sin in our own lives? Consider that.